Waking
by kage-kurokawa
Summary: Last part up. yatta... green eyes is awake. it's decided. 8338. warning: er mild shonen ai, and some swear words i guess... pls. R&R.
1. Brooding

Disclaimer: I wished it upon every shooting star I can find and spent all my coins in wishing wells and fountains and got myself broke, but to no avail. And thus, I still do not own Saiyuki. That would forever be wishful thinking. So please don't sue me... Saiyuki belongs to the one and only Minekura Kazuya. But I could still be a fan and write fanfictions about it. Some consolation, huh?

Note:

Hmm... I've always been reading fics. So I decided to try my hand at making one. Hope I don't suck too bad...

Is this shounen ai or not? Hmm...it's up to you. Anything can happen... don't know if this is gonna be one shot... that's up to you guys...

This is my first fic ever so please be kind in your reviews...

Waking

By Kage Kurokawa

"Why?" I asked.

"Why?"

Again.

One more time.

And again. Over and over until my throat ran dry. Until I get tired to go on. Once again, it has become a mantra of mine, asking 'Why'. I never get any answers though, as usual. Except maybe for 'just because', which doesn't really make any damn sense.

Shimatta. I hate being weak. I vowed to myself never again. I'll be strong. I don't need anyone to protect...

I don't need anyone. Period.

But I'm a sucker for pain.

Pathetic. That's me.

I've never given a damn about anything around me since... never mind. Except that one time I was pissed off, when a very annoying ape nearly screamed my ears out. Other than that, I don't recall...

Then you just had to come along, damn you. You had to be dragged into this by that hag. You offered your services. And you offered friendship. And then some...

K'so. Before I knew it, you've wormed your way in. Burrowed comfortably inside that part of me that's long been dead. You were quiet in your ways, gentle in your actions. Steady with that goofy mask of yours...

I sure as hell did not want this. You were not part of my plans at all. And yet here you are. And here I am. Going through this every single day for some time now. Thinking about this situation over and over again, running it in circles inside my head until I get exhausted. What is it about you? That grace? That strength? That ridiculous fake smile? That sorry twisted sense of humor? The good food you cook? Is it the comfortable silence that hangs between us at times...

Or maybe it's your reckless stupidity...

I don't need anyone. I never needed anyone... not even that irritating chimp who follows me around like a shadow. The heavens are taunting me. The old hag must have finally gained a semblance of a brain to think of a suitable way of punishing me for being a corrupt monk when she tossed you my way.

I don't need you friendship. I don't need your smiles. I don't need anything from you. I refuse to need you. Do you hear me? I'm perfectly fine with the way I am. I'm a cold-hearted bastard, and I wish to stay this way thank you very much. Yet somehow, my I cannot seem to convince this really stupid brain anymore. I tried to fight it, forget about it, anything to get rid of it. Nothing works. 'It's a losing battle', my subconscious tells me. What the hell does it know? I never admit defeat. This is not a hopeless case...

I am not a hopeless case...

'Yes, keep telling your self that.'

'Shut up you!'

Ch'. What the hell have you done to me? Now I'm here, arguing with the air. Muttering incoherent words and curses no one can hear and forgetting my half-smoked cigarette.

You just had to be stupid, didn't you? You just had to find a way to make me grudgingly admit to myself that I actually gave a damn about your miserable existence. Perhaps more than I should. You just had to be so damn fatalistic. And I want to punch the daylights out of you. I only I could. Believe me I'm having a very trying time in restraining myself.

Hm.

It's raining.

K'so.

Even the weather seems to mock me. Reveling in my misery. That is just great.

The two bakas are out there I guess. I couldn't care less. As long as they don't make the mistake of entering this room, or else I'd really kill them. I've wasted several bullets on the monkey when he tried to bother me. I think he finally gave up because he'd rather prolong his existence. But shooting at the wall or at moving targets did not make me feel better. I should have though. But then I guess I really want to shoot you.

"Why, damn it?"

"Why?"

When I asked, you just smiled at me. I wanted nothing more than to shoot that smile off your face...

How can you leave me hanging like that? You gradually and silently break down my walls and then do this? I'm actually starting to hate you here, you know...

You're proving to be more trouble than you're worth.

I'm going out of this room...

Hm. No one's here. They're probably off to get dinner. Good.

I have to know why, damn you!

Kisama.

It's been a month now. I refuse to leave things unsettled. Got that? I refuse to let this go. I'm tired of waiting already.

Looking at you now, looking so peaceful and... grudgingly beautiful. So pale...so like death.

Baka.

Wake up already, damn you. Otherwise, I won't forgive you.

I swear, if you don't open your eyes soon or do something stupid like die on me---I'm so gonna kill you.

So don't you dare, you hear? You still owe me answers...

A/N: So what ya think minna san? Is it ok? Too angsty? Too boring? Too sappy? Too OOC? Pls. R&R.

You think it's ok as a one shot? Or should I make a sequel... or should I just stop writing altogether...


	2. Dialogues and a monologue

Disclaimer: Sigh! I still don't own Saiyuki...

A/N: I can't believe it... reviews. There are nice people who actually read this! Faints...

Mucho Thanks for the kind reviews Soreyle, Shin-no-shibo, Sariyuki! Domo Arigato Gozaimashita!

I guess I'll try my hand at adding several more parts...

Waking By Kage Kurokawa

Part II Dialogues and Monologue

Voices.

"Anybody here?"

"Oi Chimp! Do you still value your life?"

"What kind of question is that, ero kappa?"

"I forget, you're all stomach and no brains, baka saru?"

"Why you-"

"Teme!"

"You should know better than to mess with that monk today, you little monkey?

"Shut up kappa. He barely ate anything today... and yesterday too. I'm worried."

"You know very well you can't make him. So don't bother.'

"Demo-"

"You want bullet holes in your head?"

"No, but-"

"Then leave him alone chimp."

"Don't call me chimp!"

"He's in a bad mood again huh?"

"Hai."

Sigh.

"Ne, I'm-"

"Don't start. Just don't."

"Ne, you think he'll feel much better tomorrow?"

"I don't know."

"Do you think 'he'll' wake up soon?"

"Let's hope so."

"I miss him."

"..."

Night. The moon illuminates the otherwise dark room where a solitary figure lay in bed, the picture of perfect peace. Or death. Faint scent of cigarette still lingers in the air. Beside the bed is a chair where a certain someone slumped his weary form and looked upon the sleeping form in the bed. He reflected at how the latter could look so serenely beautiful and dead at the same time... He sighed. It's one of those nights when he would just sit here and talk to him. One of those nights when a certain bad-tempered someone wasn't around and was probably brooding in his own room. And so the monologue began...

"Hey there, it's been quite a while my friend. I'm here again. And no, I'm not drunk this time. I just came by to see how you're doin'. You seem to be really enjoying your sleep huh? I guess you're makin' up for all those time you tire yourself to exhaustion from driving and fighting and "mothering" three stubborn idiots, huh? Well, just don't enjoy yourself too much buddy."

"That corrupt monk of yours was here again today. Did I just say yours? Hehe. Oh well. Anyway, he was here, "visiting". As usual he's grumpy. Way grumpier than usual. He's always wanting to shoot at something... exhausted several bullets on monkey boy when he tried to coax him to come to dinner. He's barely eaten anything since... Man, he's really pissed off. You're really getting on his nerves now. Who knows maybe when were back on the road he'll start to waste several bullets on you too, not just on me and the monkey."

"He comes here when he thinks no ones around, muttering something about you leaving him hanging, how the journey's been delayed, how stupid you are. Well it's mostly about how stupid you are. And hell I agree with him. It was stupid, it was irrational, damn reckless...Damn it!"

"You left us in a sorry state here man, me most of all. And I'm you're best friend! You're making me suffer here. Why? Because you left me here to deal with that homicidal bastard and that bottomless pit. And you know I'm not very good with those tasks. Heck, I barely have the time to check out the pretty ladies here anymore. We've been stuck in this town for about a month already. The baka saru's eating the town down..."

"We need you here, you know. This group's falling apart. You give us a semblance of sanity. I need my best friend here... the monkey needs his big brother... and that moody bouzu despite that emotionless crap of his needs you too... somehow I think a bit more than..."

"Come back to us soon, green eyes. Or else I don't think I can forgive you for chickening out. I don't think any of us can."

TBC?

A/N:Sigh! This chapter's kinda short, huh. Another Sigh! I'm so full of angst today... oh well maybe I'll try my hand at fluff next time, then again maybe not. Maybe I'll make this shounen ai after all, coz I'm actually beginning to like the SanzoHakkai pairing. Hahaha.

So is it any better or any worse? Too angsty? Too Corny? Suggestions? Violent reactions? (Not too violent though, I hope) I'm almost afraid to find out. Maybe I should have just...

Oh well I hope you guys R&R.

Ja, mata ne.


	3. Wishing Well

Disclaimer: I am announcing to the world that... I still DO NOT own Saiyuki. (Sigh. Sigh. Sigh) Poor pitiful me...

A/N: Again, thanks so much to those who reviewed. : ) I'm accepting anonymous reviews now minna san... I couldn't before, out of sheer stupidity of forgetting to uncheck the box that say "do not accept anonymous reviews". That's the downside of being a newbie. Anyway I hope, you R&R because I'm really curious about what you guy think of this piece. This is my first fic after all.

Another thing, I think this is gonna be shounen ai after all. So if you don't like it, well then you don't. I'm cool with that. So if you're offended with things like that then might I suggest you go read something else. Thank you for dropping by.

Also: Thanks to Soreyle's for his/her suggestion I think I'd take it.

Waking by Kage-Kurokawa

Part III Wishing Wells

Two golden orbs scanned the room for any presence. His eyes fell onthe pale brown-haired occupant on the bed near the window. Beside the figure was a little white dragon who opened its red eyes to survey the newcomer, before closing them again. Rays of sunlight filtered in the room giving it a warm glow. The overall picture gave the impression of a someone sleeping comfortably through a bright day. If only that were the case. But then again, onemight ask why anyone would sleep through such a beautiful day when most people would be out there working or playing, or basking in the sun?

The golden-eyed newcomer entered the room softly, as though afraid he might wake someone up, and sauntered towards a chair by the bed. He sighed as he took a long look at the slumbering figure with a flicker of worry and concern in his eyes. Then he smiled.

'It seems that the roles are reversed.' He thought.

He stood up opened the window and placed something on the bed. He sat down.

"Ne, the rain stopped today. The sun is out and it is a great day outside. I opened the window so you could hear the birds chirping. Can you hear them? You know, you have a very nice view outside. From here you can see the forest and the mountains and the meat bun shop across the street!"

"I brought you a meat bun. I thought you might be quite hungry now, ne? I was supposed to get you three. Actually I got you three but then on the way here I got hungry and well... Gomen." He blushed.

"You know, somebody other than you isn't really any better today. I hoped he will be, but he is not. He didn't go out of his room today. He hardly ate anything again. He skipped breakfast. I still find ithard to believe anyone would want to skip breakfast... Anyway, I tried to knock at his door but as soon as my hand tapped it, he started firing again. Just like yesterday, and the other day, and the day before that. He's really scary lately. He doesn't whack me with that fan of his, not that I mind, but it's much worse 'coz he just shoots without warning."

"Naa, he won't talk to anyone unless it's to yell at me to buy him cigarettes or bullets. And if I complain he responds with a string of bullets. He's been like this for weeks and weeks now. Always in a foul mood. I try to understand him. He's really upset that we can't go on with journey yet because of your condition... but I think it's mainly because of your condition. He doesn't say it of course, but I can tell."

"I don't blame you. It's not you're fault. You were just being you, I guess. But then..."

"The ero kappa told me to just leave 'him' alone. But I'm still worried. If you were here you'd know what to do, right? You always do."

"Speaking of the ero kappa, he's out today, probably drinking himself silly or he's with some woman. He's out often. I didn't hear him come in last night, which is probably a good thing 'coz he snores so loud when he's drunk. He's also quieter than usual and I can see he's worried about you too. We all are."

"We've been in this town for a month now. With everyonebrooding on their own lately, I felt kinda lonely. So I went out and I've made a few friends. We often hang around at the park some walks from here, in the afternoons. There's this old well there. A really, really old well. And they told me stories about it. They said that it was call a "wishing well". They say that if you want to make a wish you just drop a coin in it, wish really, really hard and wait three days for the wish to come true."

"They say that it really, really works. So this morning, as soon as it stopped raining, I tossed a coin I found at the street the other day into the well. I was thinking what I would wish for. An endless supply of meat buns? It was very, very tempting 'coz I was really, really hungry. In the end I decided..."

"Guess what I wished for? I'm not telling though. I can't 'coz they said that if I told anyone my wish, it won't come true."

"Anyway, I miss you. We all do. Even if someone here says that they don't. They do. I miss your smile, and your voice, and your cooking. The food here is good mind you, but you're still the greatest cook ever. I miss the journey. It's getting to be quite boring around here. I miss the action; there are no strong opponents to fight here. I even miss that ero kappa, not that he'll know of course. And I miss my sun, even his harisen, don't tell him though okay? I miss everyone and everything... So come back to us soon. Don't make us worry too much ne... Come back and make thing the way they were again. Onegai..."

tbc?

A/N: Well thats it. Another chapter done... what do you think? Am I getting bad? Comments, suggestions, etc, etc. Please R&R. I don't know maybe I'll make the next one from Hakkai's pov while he's "sleeping"... What do you think? I think I should wake him up soon. Another chapter or two I guess. sigh! Too much sighing can't be a good sign right? It usually means I'm feeling angsty again... I'm beginning to think that I really should try fluff XD... oh well...

Ja, mata ne.


	4. Running

Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Saiyuki. Never did, never will. Sad, sad, pathetic me.

A/N: Well I'm glad and thankful that there are actually people reading this piece. Mucho Gracias!

Ah this one's... I don't know... I have mixed emotions about this one...

Here goes nothing...

Waking

Part 4 Running

Darkness. Light. Patches of black and white. Silence. Walking. Running. Stop.

Where am I?

'Here.'

Where?

'Simply here.'

Here?

'Here and nowhere'

She comes, an ethereal vision in white. Bright. My eyes hurt. I can't move. That face, that smile, those arms... Something came crashing down. Images. Memories. She calls out to me. Her mouth moves without a sound, but I can hear her as if she spoke in her soft serene voice. Her soulful green eyes pleading. Her arms opening for me... how I wanted to melt in her embrace... I tried but I cannot reach her. She silently fades...

Nooo!

Darkness.

Laughter. Hateful laughter. It made my blood run cold as it achingly throbs in my eardrums. Make it stop. Someone make it stop! It calls to me, that mocking voice. 'Come to hell with me', it says. Repeatedly. I loathe it with every fiber of my being...

Darkness.

Blood. So much blood. In my hands. On my clothes. Seeping through my pores. So much blood. Bathing me in crimson...

Corpses. Behind me. Before me. Under me. Bodies strewn everywhere. Make it stop.

She lays at my feet, looking up at me with those empty emerald orbs. A vacant look that pierces deep into my soul. No. She was covered in blood. Her blood. My blood. The blood of those I took to eternal darkness. Blood who stained these hands... tainted forever. I reach for her. She wastes away as if she was never there. Here and gone... Again...

Darkness.

They come, I see them, beckoning for me to join them. Three figures slowly approach... a lonely child... a vengeful lover... a murderous demon... tortured souls... battered spirits... they come nearer.

I recognize them. How could I not? I look at them in the mirror every night. Yet I do not. They stare at me with glazed eyes. Stop it!

They are so familiar, yet so alien at the same time. Who are they? Who am I?

They are me and I am them. We are one. Yet we are not. They are dead. I am alive. Or am I not?

What is happening to me? I can see them. These distant memories I've buried, haunting me, hounding me like shadows in the gloom. I realized something. They are nothing but illusions. They are not real. But how can they be so vivid...

I know, this is a nightmare. Everything's a mirage. Nothing more. They cannot touch me...

There's a light before me. I see it. I saw her again standing before the light. As beautiful as I remembered, with arms wide open for me to come into. Into the light. Yes...

If this is really a dream, please don't let anyone wake me up. I felt her arms, they were cold...

Voices. I hear voices calling. Familiar voices. Calling me back. Asking me to come back. Back where?

I looked behind me. Back where? I repeated. Into the darkness?

More voices. Silent pleas reaching my ears. It's like the sensation of cold water being poured over my head.

'We need you here.'

'Come back to us.'

'Don't you dare leave.'

Somehow I feel as if...

I run again. This time straight into the darkness. Away from the light. They chase me. These ghosts of yesteryears. I keep running as fats a my legs could carry me, running without any idea where I'm suppose to go. Where am I to go?

My pursuers, I can hear them now...

'Why do you run? Did you not want this? You have been longing for this? So why deny yourself now?'

'My love, don't you want to be with me forever?'

'Come with us.'

'No more masks, no more pretensions.'

'Feel pain no more.'

And another set of voices.

'Please come back...'

'Make things right...'

'Don't leave me hanging...'

My mind is spinning. My head feels like it's about to burst. I continued running in the darkness. I cannot see anything. Until I felt something. Something warm. Something alive. A lifeline. I looked up. It was bright...

Images again.

Crimson eyes. I know them. My savior, who snatched me from Death's door.

Golden orbs. My teacher, who gave me back a part of humanity. And...

Amethyst orbs, my... No... I couldn't. He's needs no one. He...

Darkness...

We choose our own path. I smile.

I want be rid of my mask.

I want to be with her.

I want to end my pain.

I want to be at peace.

But then...

I said I'd stay... I said I belong here.

I offered my friendship.

I offered my services.

I offered my life.

And then some...

What am I gonna do... Oh well.

I've made my choice...

A/N: Okay... This is not a good chapter, ne... short and bad... Please don't curse my soul to eternal damnation! I don't know. Was it too OC? It's kinda hard for me to take Hakkai's POV while in his catatonic state as Sariyuki had said. I mean I love the guy, he's my fave, but it's really kinda hard for me to pick up his frame of mind 'coz he's so unpredictable. Oh well... I'm not thinking straight these past few days with all the papers I had to do. Darn. It makes me think I should just stick to drawing. Oh well... What do you think? Doodling over a boring lecture today, I actually (gasp!) contemplated on killing Hakkai! Bad Kage. Very bad Kage. I'm still not sure about whether... oh well. Pls. R&R. Comments, suggestions, reactions...

I think this piece it coming to an end.

Ja, mata ne.


	5. Relapse

Disclaimer: Sigh. I own Hakkai in my dreams. And that's how it's gonna stay. So no, I don't own Saiyuki.

A/N: Wow reviews! Domo Arigato minna san. Hontou ni, domo arigato gozaimashita! I'm happy that there were people who enjoyed part 4.

---Before I begin this part, I just had the weirdest day on the 13th of September. Why? 'Coz I opened my e-mail on the 13th hour (1 p.m.), and found my 13th review up. To make things weirder after I read and reviewed a certain fic, I found out that I just signed my 13th review! Is that coincidence or what? Some premonition maybe? Oh well...

Anyway, I don't think this is the chapter you guys are expecting, but I just couldn't resist. Why? Because I want to see somebody brood some more... Bad Kage...

Waking By Kage Kurokawa

Part 4 Relapse

Shimatta!

Kisama.

Damn you!

You idiot. Was that your perverted sense of humor at work again? Hahaha. Well it was lame. Not at all funny. Cheater. You're one damn swindler, you know that? Maybe that's why you always win at card games. That big, cheating poker face wearing a ridiculous fraudulent smile. Bastard.

You're cheating again, aren't you? Trying to find out in a sick, twisted way if I...

Fine. Guess what? You win okay? You always win. Now cut the act.

You successfully managed to scare the shit out of me tonight. Happy now. I can't believe that I'm looking down at you now, at your pale, serene countenance, as if nothing happened. There's not a trace of what transpired here tonight...

When that baka saru pounded on my door earlier this evening, I wanted to shoot him senseless. Then he yelled something about something going wrong with you, and I froze. Something ticked. I ignored it. I tried to control myself, can't let anyone see me worried now. Can I?

Worried? Whose worried? I'm not worried.

'_Yeah right.' _

Damn subconscious!

'_You're cracking.'_ It mocked.

Urusai!

' '_Ch.'_

I got up and strode to your room as nonchalantly as I can. The kappa's there with a short, fat, bespectacled man who was supposed to be a doctor. What the hell is going on?

Then I saw you lying there, drenched in sweat, running a high fever, breathing heavily, your body convulsing violently. I thinkpaled at the sight. Something clenched. It's getting too difficult to disregard it.

I watched in silence as the doctor go about his job, infusing your body with substance that would supposedly make you feel better...

Afterwhat seemed like eternity, you finally calmed down. I can hear the kappa and the saru breathe out a sigh of relief. The heavy air began to stir.

Until with a grim expression the anvil was dropped. It landed right on target. That pathetic excuse for a doctor said that...

Something snapped... You cannot do this to me! You will not do this. I won't let you. You better get it in that thick head of yours. You may be stubborn. But I can give you a good run for your money there.

'Ch. Here I am now, as always, pacing restlessly in your room in dire need of a cigarette, and bullets to shoot at something. Anything.

By the way, did you know that it's raining again tonight? Baka. It doesn't make anything any better. I applaud your ability to choose the perfect time to play your little joke on us. On me...

But I won't let you get away with this. Not after...

You really think I wouldn't recall huh? But I did. Surprised? I woke up with one hell of a headache but I remembered. I could still feel it. It kept me awake more nights than was necessary. But I pretended it never happened, and I was always good at ignoring things like that. You never spoke of it, because I was allegedly too alcohol induced to recollect any of it. And everything seemed fine afterwards. But something changed and we know it. Subtle changes, but it's there. Heck, I believe that even the two idiots noticed it. They're just scared for their lives to say anything. That kappa is a too sharp for his own good. And damn it, that stupid monkey is becoming a bit more perceptive lately.

But then again, the cover slips every now and then you know. Then you just had to take it all off completely, don't you?

I'm disappointed in you. We've been delayed here long enough. Those dim-witted youkais can find us here anytime. I'm actually surprised they haven't yet. They must be really that dull. So why the hell don't we just leave you here?

_'Because you're selfish.'_

Shut up!

_'You don't want to leave him here because...'_

I said, shut the hell up!

I don't want to leave you here because I'm not supposed to. There are two idiots who will never gonna let me live it down if I did. Besides, that hag specifically instructed me to bring everyone there.

'_Yes, convince yourself that.'_

I said-

'_Well you can't really make me you know.'_

'Ch.

'_How much longer will you last?'_

Stupid conscience.

I am going insane. And it's entirely your fault.

You promised me, you idiot! You promised you'd stay and finish this helldamned journey. I took you on your word. I believed you damn it! I believed in you. I won't release from it...

I want to shoot your wretched hide off to oblivion. I'm actually itching for my gun right now, but I ran out of bullets hours ago. Lucky you...

TBC...?

A/N: There... This one's done. Sanzo's mind is too talkative ne? This part left some more questions ne? Disappointed? I know. I am too. Believe me. I really don't know why I did this. Bad, bad Kage. Maybe it's me releasing all those angst and frustration about the papers I had to do. So gomen.

What do you think? Did I just ruin the whole thing? Are you now mad because I kept not waking Hakkai up? I'd really like to know. So please R&R.


	6. Choices

Disclaimer: Nope not mine. Only this story.

A/N: I'm feel too lazy to start schoolwork today. So I'll just go on with this drabble here... Only one review for the last chapter, waah... oh well. That's okay... I just posted it yesterday anyway... And I understand that you guys hate me for the fact that I still didn't wake him up huh? (sniff!) Or maybe you haven't read it yet... or stopped reading altogether...(author wailing like a baby!)... kidding...

--Oh well... Note to Shin-no-shibo: I'm glad that you are not too MAD at me .

--I'm sort of experimenting... it's slightly different from the other chaps (at least I think so) why? Guess. Though I think it would be pretty obvious.

---Here goes nothing... the moment you've been waiting for... or is it... read...

Waking by Kage Kurokawa

Part 6 Choices

A Voice:

_You cannot escape from the past. It always comes back to haunt you if you do..._

_You cannot turn your back on your demons. They'll follow you everywhere..._

_You cannot run away from the present. It becomes your past tomorrow..._

_For whatever reason, there maybe excuses, there maybe alibis..._

_But life spares no one..._

_People live for a purpose, things happen because they were meant to happen..._

_However irrational that may seem at times..._

_You are here because you are supposed to be here..._

_By accident, by chance or by choice... _

_Things bound to be, happen anyway..._

_In their own way... when the time is right..._

_You cannot fight fate... You cannot fight nature..._

_But you may stir it in another direction... _

_Choices, decisions... trivial or otherwise..._

_Yet you cannot change it completely... everything leaves traces of their own existence..._

_No matter how minute... _

_But you can deal with it... master it in such a way that you flow with it..._

_Transcend it... Move with it..._

_Face it. Then let go._

_No regrets..._

_Do not live with false delusions..._

_Pain is everywhere..._

_Everyone wears their masks, everyone covers up themselves..._

_Smiles, coldness, vices, maybe even innocence..._

_All these facades to protect oneself from further pain..._

_Life maybe in the hands of fate... in some instances..._

_But there are times when it is placed in your hands..._

_To live or die is your decision to make..._

_Because life is a sum of many factors..._

_You cannot escape the cycle of the universe..._

_Even if you take the easy way out..._

_Some would call it cowardice... others foolishness..._

_But we are often fooled by appearances..._

_There is no easy way out..._

_Everything is intertwined... in one way or another..._

_The choices you make affects the world that revolves around you..._

_It is selfishness not to see that..._

_The errors of the past can never be corrected..._

_The lost moments of regret can never be retrieve..._

_The stains of yesterday may never truly disappear..._

_You cannot turn back the wheel of time even if you wanted to..._

_No matter how desperate you are..._

_So let go..._

_That's all you can do..._

_You cannot make up for your past..._

_But you may long for deliverance..._

_Maybe along the way you find it..._

_It could be a long, hard struggle... more aches and bruises..._

_But what if in the end you find it?_

_It's all worth it..._

_What if not? You ask._

_The journey in itself is the reward..._

_You tried... you gave your best..._

_That is not failure..._

_Who are you to say that you have nothing to live for?_

_Who are you to say that you are not needed?_

_Life brings too many surprises..._

_Too many unexpected circumstances..._

_Even the wisest cannot clearly point what will happen tomorrow..._

_If to live would mean to keep your pretenses for much longer..._

_To continue the masquerade and stir up illusions for the world to believe..._

_Then so be it._

_You are not the only one suffering..._

_Everyone has their own share of sorrow..._

_This world has room enough for one more..._

_Then maybe in sorrow you can find comfort in one another..._

_You have your fate in the palm of your hands... _

_You have to face the consequences of your decision..._

_What would it be?_

The rain stopped. Somewhere in the darkness... two beautiful emerald orbs opened.

Tbc...

A/N: There all done with this chap. What do you think? Was this a good or bad experiment? I think this is a drabble . But at least I woke him up. Or did I? Hehe... kidding. Some consolation huh? Review... Please, please, pretty please (teary puppy dog eyes)... I really need to know what you people think... Comments, suggestions, anything...

Oh well... back to schoolwork now.

Ja, ne minna san!


	7. Waking

Disclaimer: Sigh... the usual... Saiyuki---not mine... comprende?

A/N: Awww... minna san... takusan doumo arigatou gozaimashita for the reviews! Many, many thanks! You are all very kind... Ureshii datta! It's been quite a while, ne? I know, I left the story hanging... gomen ne. I've been having problems with my computer these past few days not to mention LOTS of schoolwork. And I was supposed to finish this by Hakkai's birthday! Darn! I think it was bad karma 'coz I kept Hakkai sleeping for so long...

I decided to update coz I haven't seen much 83 fics lately. And Hakkai's birthday is here! It's sad...

Anyway, here goes nothing...

Wakingby Kage Kurokawa

Part 7 Waking

The rain stopped. The heavy clouds began to thin. The moon finally decided to come out of hiding and grace the world with her bright countenance. Her white fingers threaded through a window and softly illumined an otherwise pitch-black room where a pale figure lay in bed. Lid softly fluttering open and close revealing gentle emerald green orbs getting used to his surroundings.

'Where am I?' He asked. He shifted his gaze around the room. There was nothing he could recognize. He tried to get up, but his body felt so heavy. It was as if he slept for a hundred years and had forgotten how to move his limbs. He tried to lift his hands but found an unfamiliar weight on his right hand. He then felt something pressing against his right arm. He looked down and slightly gasped at the sight of a golden head resting on his side. The rest of the body was slumped unceremoniously on the floor beside the bed. The brunette on the bed tried to register the sight on his head.

'What's he doing here?'

_---Flashback---_

"_Ne, you'd better go to sleep now."_

"_Ch'. Don't you dare tell me what to do!"_

"_Maa, you're quite drunk. You're going to have one of those nasty headaches tomorrow."_

"_Mind your own business."_

"_Maa, it is my business. You with migraines means waste of resources because of many bruises needing to be healed and lots of bullets to be used."_

"_Zakkenayo!"_

_Thud._

"_Aa. You're totally wasted."_

_Smile._

"_Shut up!"_

"_I'll help you up."_

_Smile._

_Glare._

_Silence. _

"_Ch'."_

_Arms reaching out._

_Ignored._

_Arms grasping._

"_Let me go---"_

_Thud._

"_Owww!"_

"_Yare, yare."_

"_Get off-"_

"_Gomen."_

_Silence._

_Violet meets green._

_More silence._

_And then..._

_---End Flashback---_

With a free hand the person lying on the bed lifted a free hand and touched his lips. He sighed. Then he smiled. His left hand stretched out hesitantly to touch golden strands. He established contact and gently fingered through the fine threads.

_---Flashback---_

_Surrounded. They were surrounded. Nowhere to turn._

_Barrier. Attacks from all sides. They had to escape. No chance of that anytime soon._

_Enemies close in. _

_A council of malevolent rogues._

_It was presided over by a formidable yet repulsively hideous-looking demon with ten horns and five arms leering at them maliciously. _

_Saddistic._

_His pleasure for their pain. _

_The purpose is to delay. And break them down._

_They were merely being played upon. Death would not be painless._

_Rules were simple enough._

_Four vials. Yellow, Red, Blue, and Green. Different contents. One poisoned. Three safe. Whatever happens, somebody dies._

_They may choose. _

_Who goes first?_

_He volunteers. He may have a chance._

_He had to know which has what._

_After a while he thought he did._

_And then he knew._

_His life for theirs._

_No. _

_His life for 'his'._

_He had no choice in the matter._

_Not that he would choose otherwise anyway._

_His hand fell on the small blue container._

_He longed for the darkness to take him forever. He'd been dreaming of it since that bitter rainy night that altered his life for good._

_He met amethyst eyes. _

_He changed his mind as he recognized the look. It said 'buy me some time.'_

_The monk had a plan. _

_He agreed._

_A small nod and he picked another vial. The green one._

_He smiled._

_Golden-haired head gave a slight shake. 'Do not do this.' It seemed to silently warn._

_He tried to give a reassuring smile._

_There was a frown. And a scowl._

_Amethyst eyes held his still. _

_Green orbs could see something in them. But it was gone as soon as it came._

_Concern?_

_He was imagining things._

_He smiled again. He wasn't afraid. _

_He drank._

_Suddenly there was a crash._

_Then it was dark._

_--End flashback—_

The figured in the bed paused for a while. His left hand still softly caressing golden strands. He sighed. It seemed that he miscalculated. He picked the wrong vial. His instinct was right after all, they were all poisoned. Always trust your instinct. He chuckled silently. The others must be quite upset by what happened. But what's done was done. He would just have to apologize to them later. It was an honest mistake after all. He looked at the figure that was slouched by his bed. He smiled. It seemed that 'he' was concerned after all and cared enough to at least visitfor a while. His hand instinctively went to his lips once more. He wondered if the latter remembered. Well, he never saw any indication in the cold violet eyes of the other. He sighed again. He felt old doing that. He gave a small smile again. And continued what he was doing earlier.

'Well he's here watching over me. That must actually mean something right?'

His reverie was interrupted when the owner of the golden strands he'd been stroking for a while now began to stir.

Under heavy lids, amethyst eyes began to flicker, fighting to stay in the dream world for a bit more time. But gentle fingers from somewhere seemed to be coaxing him out of his ennui. Gentle fingers!

Golden head suddenly shot up and turned around to meet smiling emerald green orbs that he'd wanted to see for what seemed to be a very long time indeed.

Gazes held. Violet and green.

Tbc...

A/N: There. All done with this part. Sorry if it took so long. How was it? Is it good... is it bad? is it corny? Comment, suggestions, any reactions... It's greatly appreciated. PLS, please with cherries on top---Please R&R.

I noticed in doing part 5 that I've never mentioned anybody's name in the story. I wondered how that happened. So I guess I'll try not to mention any names till it ends. Hehehe. XD. Anyway, I don't think I need to coz you guy seemed to get me anyway.

I guess this ends with the next chapter... probably next week coz I still have 5 papers to do for this week... pitiful, miserable me.

8 chapters for Hakkai! Oh well. Thanks again guys! Maybe I'll do some fluff next time. XD

Ja, ne!


	8. Morning

Disclaimer: Yare, yare. No such luck for me. I can never, ever, ever... own Saiyuki. It belongs to Minekura Kazuya... for eternity and beyond... (sheesh! I get so melodramatic sometimes)

A/N: Sumimasen minna san. Gomen ne. Isogashii desu kara, kaku jikan ga arimasen yo. It's been hell week. Two blood draining hell weeks! Reminder to me: never procrastinate again...ever...(dream on!) I've been through paper hell and back. Almost. Two more to go before temporary freedom! But at least I've got time to spare for this last chapter of my ficcy... yes. last chapter... all things come to an end after all...

I tried rereading the whole thing and, gasp! Typo errors galore! Oh well. This first fic is an experiment after all... demo, I'm happy that there are very nice people who had the patience to read this fic... and reviewed. Thank you! I wanna give ya all a hug!

Maybe I'll try my hand at writing some more... Thank you again!

To shin: sorry, for disappointing, but I don't think I can go on any further without mentioning anybody's name in the fic! Maybe next time...

Anyway here it is... more experiment... please forgive the inconsistencies...

Wide violet gaze meet smiling green ones...

_And the world stood still. Time stopped. It rained pigs and grinning chibi monks. But nothing really mattered except two loving lust-filled stares locked on each other..._Not! (okay, these are after effects of a coffee induced night and two days lack of sleep )

But seriously...

Waking by Kage Kurokawa

Part 8 Mornings

Wide violet gaze meet smiling green ones...

And then there was silence.

They say that the eyes are the windows to a person's soul. Maybe they were right...

Because, how can one explain the stillness that hung between two figures, one lying on the bed, the other leaning towards the former looking deep into those emerald orbs as though it wanted to literally be drowned into them...

The locked gazes questioning and answering without saying a word. As it has always had been... as it is at that moment.

There is no need for speech, for sometimes words themselves sometimes run out of things to say.

No, spoken trivialities are of no circumstance between two souls bared before each other, without the facades...without the pretensions... just as they are...

Emerald gems explaining

Apologizing.

Pleading.

Searching...

_For what?_

Amethyst orbs... Replying.

Understanding.

Forgiving.

Searching...

_Searching for what?_

For a hint of what lies beneath the surface. For a glimpse of what is beyond the superficial veneer of a fabricated reality.

Something to hope for, so to speak.

An excuse to cross the boundaries.

Once more.

No movements, only moments passing in quiet reverie, with nothing there but silent inquiries and even breathings.

Seconds.

But it may have been eternity.

Souls conversing, questioning, answering, learning.

It echoes in the midst of the silence that one might have heard if one would try to listen...

Yes, the world abounds with strange mysteries.

The moment gradually fades. Eventually. Waking up from the calm stupor of silent conversations, one makes the first move, or was it the other... who could tell? Not that it matters, anyway. Bodies shifting...

Moving to a more comfortable position, the blond haired figure leaning down towards the bed slumped down on it beside the brunette who gently sat up and smiled. Not the trademark grin everyone's so used to. But something a bit more... shall we say... something for meant only forone person to see? Yes, that maybe it.

Warm pale hands slid over colder ones. Fingers clasped.Warmth seeped through the cold...

Warmth...

It meant...

Life...

How long has it been?

Too long.

And the first words...

"Thank you..."

"Hn."

"Anou it was..."

"Shh."

A smile.

"Ch."

"Missed me?"

"Hell no..."

"Oh."

"Try pulling another one..."

"Hai?"

"And I'll kill you..."

"Yare, yare..."

"I'll make sure you feel pain..."

"Ara?"

"And then drag your sorry ass to seven hells and back..."

"Anou-"

"..."

"Were you worried?"

"Heck no."

"Really?"

"Hn. You owe me."

"Oh..."

"That's it?"

"That's it."

"Oh well."

"..."

Silence.

"It's not morning yet."

"Obviously."

"I'm sleepy."

"Hn..."

Ah. The sun rising in the east. It's quite a sight to behold really. And it had just begun to shower the world with its bright warm fingers when a certain usually grumpy someone woke up from a very restful sleep. One he felt he never had for a very, very long time. He began to stretch but found it difficult as he felt something heavy sprawled over his chest. He tried to move, but something pulled ontohis body tighter. Something warm, heavy, and alive.

'Fuck.' Nobody daresto slump against him and gets away with italive.

Hisfirst instinct was to reach for his gun. But his hand was otherwise occupied. Entwined with long slender fingers. He looked down and found a mop of chocolate stands blocking his view.

'Oh.' There's that voice again.

'Ch.' Ignoring.

'Aren't you gonna ask if this is a dream?'

'Fuck off.'

'Oh come on...'

'...'

'Dream come true, huh?'

'Go bother someone else.'

'Someone wants to smile...'

'Urusai!'

'Whatever.'

"Teme." Stupid voice in the head

The sleeping figure above him began to stir.

'You woke him up...'

"..." Ignore.

The sun's rays filtered thoroughly through the windows. He is itching for a smoke. But he'd rather die that move from his current position. His companion shifted again. Oh well. Finally, he couldn't help it. His lips unconsciously twitched upward. And before he knew what it him it had turned into a smile, to a full blown grin that would surprise the hell out of those who knew him and probably send their enemies running to hell and never coming back. But hell he was a beautiful sight. Too bad no one can see. That's why he did it in the first place.

Maybe later, he would let the gorgeous emerald-eyed brunette beside see. He felt happy. He feels like singing with the birds, or shouting out 'til he lose his vocal chords at the rooftops. But of course, being who he was, he would never...

For once he did not feel like wanting to kill anything to day. Maybe he won't even whack the two bakas out there with his fan. Nothing could seem to damper his good mood, not even the prospect of having to deliver a sermon to a bunch of pathetic villagers. Not today. Maybe tomorrow.

Today, he rests. Today, he stays all day with the lovely sleeping man with him. To hell with the idiots and the rest of the world. The hag and the journey be damned! Let the youkais take over the world and paint it pink for all he cares. He will have this moment. And that was that.

Nothing ever matters.

But the silence, the warmth and the even breathing.

It was morning after all.

Owari

A/N: Ja... all done. Me sad. How was it? Like it hate? It sucked? Please review. It is greatly appreciated. I hope it isn't too bad. I'll try to do better next time... more effort for me, ne... maybe I should take writing classes... Or not... no time... Waaah!

Anyway, please don't curse my pitiful yet non-existent soul to seven hells! Please R&R. Onegai!

P.S. Again, minna san, THANK YOU for those who reviewed and will hopefully review!

Yare, yare. I'm off too sleep now after two another night without a wink of rest... Ja, ne.


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